Throughout the last few days I have had the opportunity to immerse myself in stories about eating disorders from all angles. I am going to let the words of those brave victims and witnesses drive this post in order to keep it authentic and raw. I encourage you to share this with those around you who are struggling with eating disorders. There is so much strength that can be drawn from knowing you are not alone in this.
I don’t want to silence this issue for one more day. I want to talk about this. I want to rally around those who are struggling with this and show them, not just tell them, that we love them and that they are not alone.
Finally, I pray that the stories of these brave, courageous individuals will help give strength to those who need to overcome their eating disorder….
How it began….
“I was being told I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t pretty enough, I’d never be good enough.”
“It all began my sophomore year of high school when I started improving in cross country and track.”
“One day you’re just skipping lunch to make sure you don’t give yourself a muffin top. Three months later you’re planning your day around fitting in as many laxatives in as you can before going out that night.”
“I realized physics was against me. The thought came to me that the smaller you are, the faster you will be. I began by counting calories, watching my portions, staying away from certain foods, and surprise! I started running faster! My hypothesis was right!”
“My hunger for success soon became my worse enemy: the only way to become faster would be to cut food altogether.”
“I declared a war on my body.”
Control
“I wanted control of something. It felt good to have control over something besides just putting on $150 worth of makeup every morning.”
“In my personal experience, losing control is not something that typically happens overnight. I honestly don’t normally look at my story as one of someone with an eating disorder. That’s only because I felt in control of my life. It took me a while to have the epiphany that making decisions, be they right or wrong, does not equate to ‘being in control’ in this situation.”
“An eating disorder is an addiction. You crave knowing that you’re in control.”
Day to Day
“Some days are better than others, so it’s not always clear when a small obsession truly becomes a problem in need of attention.”
“I began a downward spiral with purging disorder. This is similar to Bulimia, but there’s no binging. I would throw up anything and everything no matter the meal.”
“I wasn’t menstruating, a condition called amenorrhea that many high endurance athletes have, which was another false affirmation of my athleticism.”
“I would eat the entire kitchen including the sink, then take four laxatives every 12 hours and only eat oatmeal the next two days. If I hit one extreme, I’d immediately jump to the next in attempt to compensate. It’s scary how easy it can be to fall into a habit you know good and well is trouble. ”
“Trying was not an option, I had to do it.”
“I liked food. Hell I loved food. I did. But I was so afraid of failing myself, my team, and family….”
” I was at 6% body fat in the fall of my sophomore year.”
“How easy it is to be proud of yourself for not eating the fattening Mac and cheese even though you haven’t eaten in 36 hours. How easy it is to simultaneously be disgusted with yourself for making yourself feel like crap just to look like skin and bones covered in bruises.”
“100 sit-ups. That’s the exercise I owed to eat an apple. 50 push-ups. That’s the exercise I owed every night to sleep.”
“I got faster for some time… and even had some great feats but eventually, my plan started backfiring. I was getting slower. I was getting weaker. I was failing. My health got to a point that I couldn’t even complete workouts because I had no energy… my bones got so weak that I had 3 stress fractures in one school year. Not only in running, but I started failing in school because I couldn’t even stay awake.”
“The part of me that’s always filled with self doubt, fear, and unhealthy expectations is drawn to going to the extreme for the chance at finally feeling good enough. It never goes away, and wishing it will only leads me open to falling into the same trap. ”
No Two Stories Are the Same
“Eating disorders vary per person.”
“People are made up of so many complex little pieces, so two people’s views or stories are rarely the same.”
Recovery
“Even now, it’s still a struggle. But once I realized that I wasn’t the reason everyone was throwing all this negativity my way, the weight slowly starting being lifted off my shoulders.”
“I am vocal with my conviction, because too many women fight this battle alone—lying to themselves like I did, that nothing is wrong.”
“I had to finally accept my triggers for what they were. Being aware that each little choice adds up to the big picture helps me with ignoring my short term desires. Eating out too much triggers me to either keep binging or not eat at all for a couple days.”
“My hair fell out of my head. I wasn’t allowed to go outside in the cold that winter because I had no body fat.”
“Praying about the things that were going on and then putting up positive quotes all over my mirror really helped me get through it. Just remember – ‘you are not the free salsa. You are guac, baby girl.'”
“It’s an obsession. The progress is never satisfactory and it doesn’t matter how many ribs show in the mirror or how baggy you get your clothes to fit, it’s never enough.”
“They may not understand exactly what you’re feeling, which is frustrating, but use that to your benefit. It can help you to disconnect from the mindset. Plus, they don’t have to understand exactly how you feel to care about you. And they DO care about you!”
“The best way to deal with it in terms of talking to them about appearance is to not do so! When someone says ‘wow, you look really thin’ it just makes them want to continue what they are doing, at least from what I saw.”
“My mom would weigh me every morning before school – I would chug a gallon of water, throw on my heaviest clothes and hop on the scale. Hoping to fool her into thinking I wasn’t a feeble 108lbs. But I was.”
“I’m still trying to figure out how to make the best day to day decisions for my health. I’m only human, so some weeks go better than others. But I’m actively trying to keep a more level balance in my life. Every step forward is satisfying.”
“Your brain is going to tell you you’re fine, and until you have the ‘a-hah!’ moment where you’re able to separate yourself from it you’re going to believe it and not want to change. ”
“Food was no longer fuel, it was the epitome of my fears.”
“It is a LONG process, so you’re going to struggle and resist and mess up. And that’s okay.”
“I know one thing that was really hard for her during the really tough recovery time was when she saw a friend’s dad who told her she ‘looked like a movie star’ and when someone says that to someone with an eating disorder it makes it much harder for them to want to continue getting better because they think people see them as beautiful that way.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days and those where I do purge because I’m afraid of gaining weight, but I remember where I was.”
Now
“I honestly wasn’t going to share my story, but I realized someone out there might hear it and I want to be who I needed back then.”
“We as a culture need to shift our mindset from, ‘I need to workout to be skinny’ to ‘I should reward myself with exercise to cherish the activities my body is capable of.'”
“I remembered how dark it was, and I know that I will do whatever it takes to never go back. I am me.”
“It’s still a struggle, every damn day. Those with an eating disorder may recover from the depths of their condition. But it will be a crossing thought everyday.”
“Going through this was easily the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It forced me to completely reinvent my way of thinking about myself.”
“One of the biggest things I can advise a person is to trust and listen to your friends/family. They are your biggest support system and won’t lie to you about things. When I was first starting my recovery knowing that I had people behind me supporting me made it so much easier.”
“Even though it’s hard, I would tell people to push through it because once you’re on the other side you will be so much happier.”
“Success is not defined by size, it is defined by ones work ethic, drive and determination.”
“Exercise if a form of celebrating your body, not abusing it.”
“I am finally happy. I’m finally proud of who I am and I’m proud of the work I’ve put it to get to where I am today.”
“Yeah, I’m not a size 00 anymore. But my size four legs can bike, run, swim, ski etc. for hours on end. I work damn hard for my body and do my best to take care of it. I’d encourage you to give it a try also. ”
You can fight this battle. You can win this battle. Please reach out if you need help.
XOXO,
Kay
Hotlines (from https://www.bulimia.com/topics/eating-disorder-hotline/)
National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
This helpline offers support Monday–Thursday from 9 a.m.–9 p.m. EST, and Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. EST. You can expect to receive support, information, referrals, and guidance about treatment options for either you or your loved one. You can also contact this helpline through its online chat function, available on its website. Additionally, there is an option to send a text message if you are in crisis by texting NEDA to 741741; a trained volunteer from the Crisis Text Line will get in touch with you.
741741; a trained volunteer from the Crisis Text Line will get in touch with you.
Something Fishy: 1-866-418-1207
This eating disorders helpline offers treatment referrals nationwide. Its website also provides a wealth of information and resources about eating disorders and eating disorder treatment. Through its website, you can join an online chat group where you can speak to others in your shoes to gain support, advice, and hope.
Hopeline Network: 1-800-442-4673
This is a hotline dedicated to serving anyone in crisis. Sometimes, people with eating disorders might feel so full of shame or self-hatred that they contemplate hurting themselves. If this is true for you, this hotline offers nationwide assistance and support from volunteers specifically trained in crisis intervention. You can talk to someone day or night about anything that’s troubling you, even if it’s not related to an eating disorder. You can also call if you need referrals to eating disorder treatment centers.
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 1-630-577-1330
Currently serving people in the United States, the hotline operates Monday–Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. CST, with plans for a 24/7 hotline coming soon. Trained hotline volunteers offer encouragement to those having problems around eating or binging, support for those who “need help getting through a meal,” and assistance to family members who have concerns that their loved one might have an eating disorder.
Overeaters Anonymous: 1-505-891-2664
This hotline is available to people worldwide who need a referral to an Overeaters Anonymous support meeting in their area. Contrary to popular belief, Overeaters Anonymous is not just for people who are concerned about eating too much; it is also intended for those who have anorexia, bulimia, food addiction, or any other type of eating disorder. If you are reluctant to attend an in-person meeting or are not geographically near one, its website offers you the option to participate in an online- or telephone-based support group.
Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (formerly the Massachusetts Eating Disorder Association): 1-617-558-1881
This organization offers education, information, referrals to clinicians who specialize in eating disorders, support groups, and additional services for people with eating disorders in the New England area. It also offers information about nationwide treatment centers and is available between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. EST, Monday–Friday.
The United Way’s 211.org: Call 2-1-1
The hotline is intended for anyone living in North America who has any type of crisis or who needs help locating specific resources, including information and referrals for eating disorder treatment. Available 24/7, it can offer information and referrals to treatment organizations in your area.
Crisis Textline: Text CONNECT to 741741
Available 24/7, 365 days a year, this organization helps people with eating disorders and other mental health issues by connecting callers with trained crisis volunteers who will provide confidential advice, support, and referrals if needed.
Thursday’s Child Eating Disorders Helpline: 1-866-628-7494
This organization offers 24/7 assistance and nationwide referrals to teens with eating disorders and other mental health or crisis situations. Thursday’s Child describes its hotlines as unique in that a live person always answers the phone, as opposed to some other hotlines that might first put a person on hold. It also offers a specific helpline for anorexia and for bulimia and binge eating disorder.
