One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned was the idea that every person has a “love language”. I was initially introduced to this idea through the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman and it was a game changer. While initially it seems like this concept is isolated to romantic relationships, it is not! This has probably had a more powerful effect on my relationships with my friends, family, and coworkers than in my romantic relationship. I’m getting excited talking about it so let’s get to it!
While I describe each love language as described in Gary Chapman’s book, think about what love language describes you best or if you are tied between two (or three).
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
“You look beautiful tonight!”, “I can’t wait for the cookout because you always cook steaks perfectly”, or “I love how thoughtful you are with your friends” are all examples of what would fill the love tank of someone with this love language. You thrive when people let you know that you are appreciated or loved. You may find yourself yearning for a compliment from your friends about your new dress or wanting recognition for meeting your goal time for the mud run you signed up for. A common misconception is that most females have this love language. Believe it or not, I would argue that there is a huge prevalence of this in men. If you are a male and you think this might be you, that is perfectly normal! There’s nothing wrong with wanting a compliment on your latest haircut or how well you mowed the lawn.
Love Language #2: Quality Time
There are two types of “quality time” people. There are the people who like to physically be with another person which simply allows them to connect by contact. For example, these are people who will ask you to come over to watch a movie or play a pickup game of soccer. Their hearts are filled by simply physically being in the presence of their friends or loved ones.
The other type of “quality time” person is someone who gets fulfilled by having deep, meaningful discussions together. Personally, this is one of my main love languages. I can sit and watch a movie with a friend and not feel any closer to them than before the movie. On the other hand, if we sat at a coffee shop for half an hour and talked about our highs and lows of the week, my heart would be full. It all depends on what your definition of “quality time” is personally. Someone with this love language would crave intellectual conversations with their partner, friends, and family. When life gets too busy to sit down and talk, no matter how well the other aspects of the relationship are going, they are not going to feel 100% content.
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
I want to start off by saying that this is not a shallow love language! Do not be ashamed if this is your love language. Normally people with this love language also love to give gifts. They are the type to spend hours picking out gifts for their friends’ birthdays, wrapping them beautifully, and giving them with a beaming smile. On the other hand, gifts are a physical reminder of love in their eyes. When they see or use the gift, it is as if that friend or family member gave them a metaphorical hug (no, I’m not joking). They do not forget who gave them each gift or how thoughtful the gift was. Also, gifts don’t have to be expensive. For some, a $1 card with a Reese’s cup sitting on top (gift total = $2.00 + tax) would make them feel like they’re on top of a mountain for days.
Love Language #4: Acts of Service
When my sister went off to college, my mom would scrub the house top to bottle every single time she would come home to visit. She would light candles and make delicious food, nearly breaking her neck (and mine) every time she would come home. It wasn’t until I read this book that I realized that the reason why my mom did this was because her love language is acts of service. That was my mom’s way of showing my sister that she loved her dearly. For someone with this love language, they may wish their partner would make them breakfast more, do the dishes for them when they are having a tough day, or even take the car to get the oil changed.
Love Language #5: Physical Touch
Someone with this love language would be content with their friend giving them a hug when they’re having a bad day or with their partner caressing their hair in the car. Their love meter can be filled by simple physical touches, even if they are not accompanied by words.
The disclaimer for this love language is that it does not mean that “sex” is your love language. Sex is not a love language. It can be a way to show love but sexual desire shouldn’t be mixed with an individual’s desire for physical affection for emotional fulfillment.
How I Like to Give and Receive Love Are Different! Is that OK?
While it can be a difficult feat, I encourage you to start showing the people around you the love that they receive the best. If not, you will feel like you are spinning your wheels. Have you ever felt like you were working so hard for a friendship or relationship and they don’t even appreciate all the effort you’re putting into it? It’s probably because you’re not speaking their love language. It may be out of your comfort zone to provide your spouse with words of affirmation if that is not your own love language. You may struggle finding compliments or the right words to say. That’s OK! As you practice your spouse’s love language, it will become more natural and you will see that your partner will be happier, as well. Your efforts will be well received and more fulfilling for both parties.
Love Languages in Leadership
Finding the love languages of your peers, leaders, and subordinates can be an amazing way to bridge the gap. If you are spending your time verbally praising your subordinates when their love language is actually quality time, they are probably not being fulfilled by your efforts. Try taking the time to ask your subordinate how their wife is doing or if their son won their soccer match last Saturday. Not only will this show your subordinate that you care, it will fill their love tank, too.
No puedes entenderme si no estoy hablando en tu lengua.
Don’t waste your time loving others in a language they can’t understand.
XOXO,
Kay
Check out that amazing book: 5 love languages
If you like this author, I strongly recommend: Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married
Recommended song for this: How to Love by Lil Wayne (The Carter IV [Deluxe] [Explicit])
