We all have that friend who we never call when we’re upset. They are the friend that just doesn’t say the right thing or leaves us feeling even more frustrated when we hang up than when we called in the first place. While their intentions may be great, their execution is lacking. If you want to know why I don’t call, here’s why:
- You make it a competition
When I give you a call about an issue I’m having and you always bring up how your situation is worse, it makes me want to pull my hair out. “I worked 50 hours this week!” “Yeah, well, last week I worked 52 hours. Can you imagine?” The problem is that trying to one-up your friends minimizes their problems. It makes them feel like their problems aren’t notable or significant if you always have a larger or more difficult problem, regardless of what they’re going through. As humans, we seek validation when we are going through trials. Generally, the best thing we can do in that situation is to affirm their feelings, especially while they are still upset. They probably feel like their hardship is the most difficult problem in the world at that moment, regardless of how logical that is. The truth is, the problem you are personally facing at a given time is going to be the most influential problem in the world at that time because it affects you. That’s normal. That’s natural. Let them have their moment of unparalleled pain and suffering. Don’t make them feel stupid or unreasonable for being upset even if it feels that way to you on the outside. Definitely do not compare their struggles with your own in attempts to show them that other people struggle more. Many times, you will find yourself lying to yourself about your intentions by saying “I just wanted them to know that I understand their struggle by bringing up my own, more difficult situation.” That’s not true. Admit to yourself when you’re trying to prove to your friend that you’ve had it worse in order to discourage them from complaining. If they complain too much, there are more direct ways to confront that.
2. You focus on a solution instead of comforting me
Every time I talk to you about what I’m going through, you just want to fix it. “Ok so just break up with him” or “so what do we need to do moving forward” or “stop focusing on the problem and start thinking about the solution.” No. There is absolutely a time for solutions. I am a strong believer in solution-oriented thinking but when your friend is crying violently after a fight with their spouse in front of you, that’s not the time. When a friend is upset, they need to release those emotions before they will be able to think clearly. Many people in the mental health realm have told me that they know that their patients only retain around 10% what they say after a traumatic incident. That is absolutely true. Events such as break-ups, confrontations, or even panic attacks can make people shut down so even if you do share a fantastic game plan with them, chances are that they won’t remember it anyway. Save your breath and save your friend the misery of having to listen to a fix that they won’t remember anyway. It’s okay to just be upset for a while. Let them decompress first then reattack later with a solution.
3. You always say “it could be worse”
Regardless of how bad my predicament is, you still say “it could be worse”. For example, I say “I just got hit by a car” and they respond “well, at least you didn’t get hit by a full sized bus!” Ugh!! That’s the worst feeling when you hear that response. I have extremely strong feelings about this saying so I’m going to lay it all out for you today. No matter what, it could literally always be worse. So stop saying that. Like actually don’t ever say that again. Don’t say it about relationships, food, relatives, abuse, anything. It is admirable to be positive and uplifting but I want to point out that that is not what this is. That saying emphasizes that you are not acknowledging your friend’s struggle. You are stating that to point out that their situation could be more difficult, therefore they should not be allowed to complain or grieve over their current pain. If you are ever starting sentence with “it could be worse”, please stop in your tracks. Think through a helpful response. If you are using that saying to discourage your friends from complaining to you, I encourage you to either find new friends or discuss that issue with your friend at a separate time, when they are not already upset.
4. You’re not available
Few things hurt more than when I’m hurting and you are too busy to help me through my time of pain. Whether that is an unanswered call or the infamous “Can we talk about this another time?” If you want your friends to trust you and realize that they are loved unconditionally, you have to show them in times of need. Make yourself available when their life flips upside down. Have you ever gone through a tough time and realized that the people you thought would be there for you weren’t and the people you didn’t expect to be there for you were? That’s because you find out who your friends are when life gets tough. So be that true friend and stop what you’re doing to answer the phone. I promise that your day can spare an hour to help someone you love.
5. You hold my pain against me
I come to you in my darkest moments and tell you about some of my deepest cuts. Then I quickly find out that you took that trust and used it as ammunition against me. “Come on. We already know you’re insecure with guys especially after you freaked out when you found out your ex cheated on you.” Some of you may read this one and realize that this has never happened to you. The other half of you will be like “WOW I had no idea other people have gone through this!” Unfortunately, there are friends out there who will use your darkest moments against you when times get hard. This is one of those red flags to me. This is a red line that is crossed. If you have a friend who you don’t reach out to because you know that they’ll use that information to come back and hurt you, you probably should discontinue that friendship. If they bring it up later to hurt you, I strongly encourage you to reconsider the level of loyalty that friend can offer and whether they’re a healthy addition to your life. Just remember that all friends are optional.
6. You talk more than you listen
This is absolutely the most common and most important issue I see. I come to you when I’m upset for you to listen to me not for you to tell me about your problems. Have you ever called someone when you were having a bad day and then when you get off the phone you realize that they talked about their own bad day the entire time?? I’m sure you have because this is unbelievably common! I believe that this is so common because 1) people don’t notice they do it and because 2) they have good intentions. Be cognizant of the tendency to turn the conversation to yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It is simply a habit that takes effort to fix. You probably have good intentions when you start talking about yourself. If your friend comes to you about their divorce, it is natural to want to comfort them with the story of your divorce. Here’s the problem: They didn’t come talk to you to hear about your divorce…. That’s just the cold, hard truth. Good intentions or not, stealing the microphone from your friends’ hands is not the way to go. The best option is to sit and listen to what they are going through. Affirmative words like “wow”, “that’s so hard”, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”, and “you’re so strong”, are all powerful ways to demonstrate that you care without stealing the spotlight.
Open your ears, close your mouths, and know how to help your friends when they are hurting.
XOXO,
Kay
