All throughout the day I find myself explaining my intentions and justifying my character to those around me. Do you ever find yourself trying to preface a story with the fact that you’re a good friend, a reasonable person, or even a loyal spouse? These are facts that the average person should already know about you but you feel the need to explicitly explain them before any story.
My hand is raised so high in the air.
I do this all day every day and once I started to call myself out on it, I was blown away by how much of a crutch it was for me.
Point 1: If you need to explain yourself to these people, they are not your friends
My best friends in the world, like my mom and sister, could hear literally anything come from my mouth, with or without one of my repetitive prefaces outlining my “good intentions”, and know I meant well. If I called Allie, one of my best friends, and said “Al, I just murdered someone,” I genuinely believe that she would respond something along the lines of “they probably deserved it. So what’d they do?”. With or without redundantly explaining myself, my true friends would have my back.
On the other hand, Susanne from work who loves to be in the know, might ask me “what’s wrong?”. Immediately I give my ten minute speech explaining that I have a healthy relationship full of respect and love and solace and faith and Jesus and all of the lovely things in life *gasps for air* before I tell her that I had a dream that my boyfriend cheated on me last night that I can’t stop thinking about.
I’m going to pump the brakes there cowgirl because if you ever get to a spot where you’re seeking emotional support from Susanne, you have deeper issues. As soon as you feel inclined to explain yourself and your intentions to someone before you finish a thought, you probably should stop in your tracks. Find someone who knows you for who you truly are and ask them for an open ear. Let your true character shine through your actions not through how you paint yourself to be.
Point 2: Explaining yourself to someone=Seeking their approval (no exceptions)
Y’all, seeking approval is one of the most detrimental things you can do to yourself. Whether you are seeking approval from your family, spouse, kids, teammates, coworkers, whatever. Stop trying to convince them that you are good enough. I have spent years of my life helplessly attempting to get people to see my strengths that will never acknowledge them. Guess what keeps causing this? It is caused by surrounding myself with the wrong people! I have chosen to surround myself with people who need that 10 minute preface instead of the type of people who value my true character. You know you are doing this when you leave a conversation with that weird sinking feeling that makes you feel tiny. There are people in this world who are masters at making others seek their approval. Don’t fall into their trap. Surround yourself with healthy people who think you rock down to the core, regardless of what you say.
Point 3 (the hard-to-swallow point): Maybe you are explaining yourself because your actions weren’t aligned with your values
Ouch. I catch myself doing this all the time. When the person I was acting like isn’t the person I am, I catch myself trying to backpedal. Here’s the deal.
If you are acting like a weed and telling everyone you’re a flower, which one are they going to believe? (A weed)
If you act like a flower and do no explaining, what will they think you are? (A flower)
The only way to be treated like a flower is to be one from the inside out. On the other hand, if you act like a flower and tell everyone you’re a flower on top of that, doesn’t that give you the same outcome as simply acting like a flower? (Yes, you’re just a redundant flower)
The bottom line is that words almost never cancel out actions. So be a flower without acting like you need to prove to the world that you are not a weed.
Let’s talk solutions: Start catching yourself doing this
I can assure you that you will find yourself giving people that little speech explaining your good intentions. Stop in your tracks. Either 1) realize they aren’t a true friend and discontinue the conversation or 2) call a true friend who doesn’t require you to remind them that you are a flower or 3) say what you needed to say to that true friend in the first place without your little speech.
Be unapologetically you.
XOXO,
Kay
