Just a few days ago, my boyfriend, Juan, and I wondered what people thought our relationship looked like behind closed doors. Maybe they think one of us is secretly very jealous or the other yells when they’re mad. After that conversation we decided that how we treat each other behind closed doors is actually the most beautiful part of our relationship. If I am having a hard day, this man will show up to my room with a donut. A DONUT! Or he will make a cup of coffee for me exactly how I like it. When we argue, we both apologize afterwards and discuss what we could have done better on our own ends. We are both human so of course we have issues but lines are not crossed. It took me years to learn how to have a healthy relationship. After years of tears, hurt, and introspection, I found one tool that helped me be a better friend and more positive partner….
Not speaking when I’m mad.
If you are in a relationship or friendship with anyone, you’re going to argue about something one day. That’s a fact. Having an argument is not unhealthy or detrimental to relationships. The way people argue is the real problem. I used to constantly regret what I would say when I was mad and yearn to take back the hurtful words I said. The truth is that you can’t undo what you have done. You can apologize and the other person may even genuinely forgive you but they will never forget it. It doesn’t take back the hurt that you inflicted upon them in the past. The best way to combat that is by biting your lip. Once I had the realization that not every feeling I had needed to be verbalized, my relationships changed completely.
I would argue that 99% of the time when I slow down and think before I act, I make significantly better decisions. I actually can’t think of one single time when I regretted the time I spent thinking before I spoke. Sometimes the best decision is not to speak at all while other times the best decision is to find a tactful way to express my concern while still maintaining that threshold of respect for my friend/partner. This can mean taking a few hours to text back or asking if you can call back in a few minutes. Don’t let negative emotions control you.
Words can’t be taken back. Cherish your relationships. Don’t speak when you’re mad.
XOXO,
Kay
To learn how to be more beautiful with yourself and in your relationships, read Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
