“Eat a cheeseburger.”
“You did what with who?”
“I can’t believe you didn’t clean the house before your friends came over.”
“Did you even go to college?”
“Why didn’t you scream?”
What do you feel when you read those? Hurt? Guilt? Sadness? Embarrassment? What these statements are trying to do is exercise control through shame. Shame is a powerful tool used every single day in our society whether we notice it or not. Society makes us feel shame about our bodies, relationships, religions, tastes, sexualities, and even financial statuses. Here’s the deal–being able to call shame when we see it is the first step to shattering its power in our lives.
First step in doing that is understanding what shame truly is.
Shame- “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging” (5 Brown).
Now that we know what shame is using a definition provided by an extremely established expert, Brené Brown (Ph.D.), our next step is to recognize its presence in our daily lives.
Think of how this applies to you. Do you shrink in your chair when your teacher hands you a bad test grade? How do you feel when you see people your age working at higher paying jobs? What thoughts run through your head when you look at the cover of a magazine with muscles, expensive jewelry, and exaggerated curves? What kind of isolation do you feel when you hear your friends talk about motherhood when you know you’re infertile? Realize that these are all examples of the overwhelming pressure shame puts on us by attempting to make us feel alone or unworthy.
Finally, one of the best methods I have personally used to overcome shame is empathy. Brené Brown introduces the idea of using empathy as a shield and healer of shame in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). After reading this extremely educating book, I have made a conscious effort of injecting empathy in all shameful situations.
“I decided that I am not longer physically attracted to my husband and we have only been together a year.”
“You are not alone.”
“My friends are all going on a cruise this summer and I can’t afford to go. I feel so much shame.”
“You are not alone.”
“I feel suicidal but I’m too embarrassed to get help.”
“You are NOT alone.”
“I don’t want to have kids but I feel pressure to be a mother.”
“You are not alone.”
“Yes, I was drinking but that’s not why things went too far. I know no one will believe me if I tell them what actually happened.”
“You are not alone.”
Imagine if every time we felt shame we had a voice that told us “you are not alone”. Imagine if every embarrassing moment in our lives we had a friend standing beside us saying “you are not alone”. Imagine if every time you experienced devastation you were reminded that “you are not alone”. Imagine if you could be the voice that reminds your friends (and yourself) that you are NOT alone, that you are worthy of love, and that you are accepted.
Be that voice. Be that warrior fighting to conquer shame. Remind the people around you that they are not alone. Finally, don’t forget to remind yourself that you are never alone.
You are not alone.
XOXO,
Kay
Note: Thank you Brené Brown for inspiring me and greatly affecting my life with this book.
Works Cited
Brown, Brené. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). Gotham Books, 2008.
Link to purchase Brené Brown’s book: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”
If you think that your partner is using shame to control you, read: Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can–and Should–be Saved
