I want to begin this by asking you to have an open mind whether you are the person who was cheated on or the one who cheated. I strongly believe that understanding the plight of the other party is a powerful way to heal and even mend relationships. I have done a tremendous amount of research on cheating and I’ve worked with a plethora of individuals on either side of the story. I believe that the things I have learned can provide comfort and clarity to both parties.
A message to those who have been cheated on:
You’ve seen this on TV. You’ve seen this happen to friends. You may have even cheated before yourself. But you never thought this would happen to you especially by this person.
When you found out about it you had every emotion under the sun boiling in your veins. You replayed every red flag you ever had with that person. The entirety of their character was under question in your mind. You speculated what their parents would say if they found out they raised a child with these morals. You remembered every sweet, fun memory with disdain and disgust. You wondered if they ever even cared about you in the first place. You asked yourself: “What did he/she have that I did not?”, “What if I fought with him less?”, “What if I had a better body?”, “What if I was more adventurous?”, “What if I had sex more?”, or “What if we stayed in that night?”.
It may seem like their actions were a cold, calculated attack on who you are. The truth is, that is normally not the case (unless your partner is a serial cheater then I would recommend reading the book at the bottom of the page). The impulse more than likely did not come from a lack of happiness within your relationship. The impulse stemmed from a disconnect within your partner whether that is their lack of discipline, irresponsible behavior, excessive drinking, or inability to commit to one person. None of those issues are as a result of decisions you have made.
The pain will go away. I promise that it will go away. Don’t forget to practice some self love in the meantime.
Finally, if you decide to pursue that relationship again, do not punish your partner with the memory of their mistake. I don’t expect you to forget it (ever) but know that holding it over their head is not healthy. By committing to a relationship with them again you are committing to forgiving them and moving forward. I’m talking truly forgiving them. If you still feel like you cannot trust them, the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is break up. Holding on is too painful for both parties.
A message to those who have cheated:
You messed up. You messed up horribly. You know this. But what now?
The first thing you need to do is take complete responsibility. Don’t blame it on your partner, a crazy party, discontentment in your relationship, the person you cheated with, alcohol, or anything you are using as an excuse. If you are truly trying to make this right, you have to take responsibility for each and every part of it.
The second step is to recognize the little choices you have made over time that made you feel like being unfaithful was acceptable when you were confronted with the temptation. Over time maybe you have entertained the idea of having a different significant other or having a more adventurous love life. Those little thoughts slow eroded your loyalty without you even noticing. Be faithful in your mind and you will stay faithful in your body.
Finally, do not let your mistake define you. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Realize that you can be a good person who made a bad mistake (if you want to be). How you treat your partner from this moment on is what will prove that to them. Don’t fill yourself with hatred for yourself. Hurt for the pain that you have caused someone you love but do not let that bleed into how you feel about yourself. Spend time reflecting on how you could have avoided this and then spend your time looking straight ahead thinking about how you want to improve in the future.
Your mistake does not define you.
Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love each other. Respect each other. Everything else will fall into place.
XOXO,
Kay
