If you’re raising children, engaged, married, in a relationship, or even none of those things, this is a message that you (actually, mainly me) need to hear.
There are certain lovely personalities in this world that favor control. We seek control over our work schedules, kids, pets, successes, failures, gym routines, you name it and we’ll try to control it. There is a huge sense of discomfort regarding things us humans cannot control. While control can be healthy in some facets of our lives, it can be absolutely devastating for others. One key thing we should NOT try to control is our relationships. Before everyone gets all freaked out, I need to clarify.
Controlling your relationships is different than having standards, standing up for non-negotiables, guiding your kids in the right direction, encouraging your spouse to love you more effectively, or investing in a friend’s future. To me, to control is to force or to order another to perform a certain act, act a specific way, or even experience a particular emotion. Let’s just take in that last part of the definition. To force or to order another to experience a particular emotion. Can you imagine that? We even attempt to tell people around us what they do or do not feel. That is how far we are willing to go for our own personal sense of control. Scary.
Now that you know what I mean by “control”, I want to explain what that looks like. One of the best ways to do this is by NOT doing what I did this weekend! The story goes like this:
The man of my dreams is meal prepping for the week ahead by my side. The grease is flying everywhere, burning our souls, and popping into our eyeballs (like grease typically does). He is valiantly fighting the battle with the grease when I decided I had a better idea of how to control the grease. Being the extremely passive, shy person I am, I confidently say “I got it! Just let me cook the burgers!”.
–The End–
While the isolated incident does not make me a horrible person, it slowly paves the way for a husband who is afraid to cook because maybe they’ll mess up or hesitate to speak since they’re worried I might disagree. Essentially, after years and years of telling someone that they are incompetent, they will begin to believe it. See how this quickly overlaps with parenting? While I’m not a parent myself, I have learned powerful lessons from my equally introspective mother, who has made this connection time and time again. Simply replace the word “husband” in the italicized sentence with “child” or “friend” or “fiancé”.
For those of us who use control as a handy tool in our belt, I caution you to not undermine your relationships with the toxicity that control can have. While control can be a beautiful, comforting thing, know when to utilize it.
To my fellow control freaks, relationships are to be treasured. Take the back seat and let them cook the burgers.
XOXO,
Kay
For other awesome relationship tips, read Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married
