One day you might get that phone call from your spouse where they tell you that they don’t love you anymore, that e-mail that you failed a class, that look from the doctor before he tells you that you had a miscarriage, that notice that your dream job isn’t a possibility anymore, that sinking feeling when you find out you were cheated on, or that meeting where they tell you that you are getting laid off.
One day you might face crippling disappointment.
Disappointment is that gut-wrenching feeling you get when something unexpectedly goes awry. Most people experience it at least once when an incident occurs that changes the course of their lives completely out of the blue. Disappointment is a funny thing because when it happens to you, you feel like you need support more than ever but you also don’t want anyone to utter a word to you. You trace back any decision that could have led to that moment and contemplate what you could have done to change it. You see a glimpse of the silver lining then it is crushed by the harsh reality of what happened. You envy those around you who are laughing and smiling as they walk by. You hurt. You hurt so much.
Throughout my short time on this earth, I have faced a few debilitating disappointments of my own and witnessed countless others. I have learned lessons that, in my opinion, are essential to healing after facing a disappointment. These lessons, forged by tears and heartache, may help you through this time of pain, too.
People will tell you to look at the bright side
…But you don’t have to. There is a time to grieve and there is a time to move forward. Before you get the time to work through the disappointment on your own, moving forward will be extremely painful. Do not let people move you through your grieving phase before you are ready or else your wounds will take substantially longer to heal. Listen to your heart and mind. Let your body tell you when you are ready to start moving forward. Until then, do not let others pressure you to be optimistic or convince you that “it’s not that bad”. You have the right to take your time healing and you have the right to move to the next phase when you are ready.
Your friends and family are going to say the wrong things
This is pretty much a fact. Someone is going to say “when’s the baby shower?” after your miscarriage. Another person may say “I always knew your wife was the cheating type” or “at least you will have a job!” after your dream to going to pilot training was taken from you. The worst part is that you know that they don’t mean to hurt you. A simple slip of the tongue can knock the air out of your chest, leaving you feeling as empty as the moment you found out. The most important thing to remember during that time is that even the people who love you most are going to mess up and say the wrong things. Generally, the most painful comments are the ones that people don’t even expect to hurt you. Try to remind yourself of their intentions and remind yourself to not take it personally. Your friends and family want to help. Don’t push them away over the pain they caused unintentionally. Sometimes they are the very people who can pull you through this time of disappointment and devastation.
You’re going to feel like no one understands the pain
You are right. No one can get inside your body and feel what you are feeling. On the other hand, realizing that there is strength in validation is essential. Reaching out to find others who are facing similar disappointment can be soothing and demonstrate to you that you are not alone. For example, reading a book about healing after divorce that was written by someone who went through a divorce can work wonders. Even reaching out to a friend who experienced a similar disappointment can be very powerful. I encourage you to be cautious of reaching out to others who are healing at the same time as you, though, due to the risk that the other individual may unload their burdens on you, making you feel twice as heavy by the time you leave. Seeking others who have finished grieving and have begun moving forward with their lives is typically the safest bet.
Some parts of your life will not be sensitive to your pain
People in your life who know about what you’re going through, for the most part, will try to comfort you. Inevitably, there are parts of your life that will not accommodate at all and that might feel extremely painful. I’m referring to situations like when the driver behind you honks right after you had your divorce papers delivered to you at work. You can’t stop the person behind you and tell them about what you’re going through or ask them to be courteous because you’ve had a bad day. Something about the insensitivity of the world can be isolated and demoralizing. Try to focus on this especially when you are not grieving. Think about what the person in the car in front of you may be going through before you honk. Consider the internal struggles the person in front of you at Starbucks might be having as they stutter over their order over and over again. Entertain the thought that the person you walked by on the sidewalk may be going through something horrific and treat them with that softness that the world did not provide to you. A powerful piece of being deeply disappointed is being able to understand that everyone around you has private struggles and your compassion towards them could help them drastically.
You will change
After facing devastation, you will learn about yourself and you will get stronger. It took experiencing extreme devastation and hurt to be able to live richly. Now that I’ve been exposed to such pain, my life has become drastically more vibrant. I feel more deeply than I ever imagined I could. I love others more than I ever have. I feel the pain of others in my heart and I care for their happiness wholeheartedly. I changed in so many ways but I could not be more thankful for it. I hope that one day you see those same changes in yourself.
Healing from disappointment is a process. Trust it.
XOXO,
Kay
