WARNING: This content may be a trigger for some victims so please be cautious as you continue reading.
In order to clearly demonstrate my gender neutrality on the subject, I am going to use s(he) and it instead of he, she, him, or her throughout this post.
“Every time I get super drunk s(he) pushes me to do things s(he) knows I don’t want when I’m sober. It’s like s(he) tests my boundaries.”
“S(he) kept telling me that s(he) really needed it from me. S(he) kept trying to convince me for 30 minutes. So I just gave it what it wanted.”
“I always know that when I lay down at night my significant other is going to expect something from me. Am I allowed to not be in the mood for a day?”
“S(he) always reminds me that if I don’t give it what s(he) wants then s(he) will just find someone else who will.”
“I know that when s(he) comes back from drinking s(he) is going to take what s(he) wants. Heavy drinking always means sex is no longer optional.”
While sexual abuse has an infinite number of forms, the main themes can be seen in the examples above. Just a few days ago, my class was discussing sexual assault with a professor. He emphasized that although he has been married to his wife for fourteen years, consent was still not implied. As I read the faces of the students surrounding me, I felt troubled. There were confused looks and stifled giggles. The general response was confusion about considering consent with someone you’re married to. I thought that it was amazing that he brought up this idea to a crowd that was largely naïve in the topic. As a population, we tend to have a similar response to the idea of sexual assault by significant others. In fact, there may be people reading this blog right now who have never realized that they have a toxic sexual relationship with their partner. This is the time to educate ourselves on what healthy sex look like.
What is healthy sex?
The answer to this question varies greatly from person to person but there is one common theme: Any sexual contact should be genuinely wanted by both individuals. This means that you want to engage in that particular action without persuasion, without threats, and without coercion. You should know that if you ask to stop at any given moment, everything will stop. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t started or you’re in the middle of it. There should be no doubt in your mind that if you say “I’m not comfortable doing that” or “that hurts” or even “I’m not in the mood anymore”, whatever sexual contact you’re participating in will cease immediately. On that same wavelength, your significant other appearing to be “indifferent” to engaging in a specific activity doesn’t imply consent. Acquiescing, especially when alcohol is involved, can result in unintentionally violating your partner.
Is sexual coercion wrong?
While trying to convince another individual to engage in sexual activity is not typically malicious, it can be very damaging. It’s typically seen with innocent comments like “baby c’mon” or “just this once”. Here’s the bottom line. If you have to convince someone to be intimate with you, that means they are reluctant to give you consent. If someone is reluctant to give you consent, should you continue to pursue a physical relationship with them? Absolutely not. Since sex is taboo in many cultures, it takes some a while to figure out what’s right and wrong (although it’s important to note that there are other cases where sexual boundaries are black and white).
What if we’ve done it before?
It is essential to humble ourselves and understand that you can take “no” as a answer even if you’re dating or married. To further explain, having a previous history of sexual encounters does not mean that you are entitled to that individual ever again. Consent is not a one time deal. Consent needs to be a priority every single time whether you’ve known each other for seven minutes, seven years, or even seven decades.
If my significant other has done this to me does this mean s(he) is a bad person?
Good people can mess up. On the other hand, some people are predators . There is a thin line between the two. While it’s impossible to generalize and tell you an individual’s intentions, I can bring to your attention a few red flags that predators typically display. This will help you decide whether this issue needs to be addressed more seriously, whether that means leaving, making an emergency plan, notifying the police, or consulting with your family.
Red flags that this could be predatory behavior
- They encourage drinking before pursuing sex
- They choose partners that they have a significant power advantage over
- More money
- Notably higher social status
- Significantly older
- After confronting them about the issue, they apologize but continue to do it
- They keep blackmail or threaten you with retaliation when you don’t do what they want you to do
- Jealousy is a huge problem. They will go to extreme lengths to ensure that you’re not having another affair that can include going through your phone, checking your underwear, or stalking.
Sexual abuse is one of the most underrepresented crimes in the world. A troubling amount of it happens with a significant other. I encourage you to share your knowledge of healthy sex with your friends and your spouses so we can protect ourselves and those around us from the pain of abuse.
The first step to minimizing intimate partner violence is by learning about it.
XOXO,
Kay
