The holidays can be “the most wonderful time of the year” or a complete nightmare depending on your family dynamics. Some go home to comfort and love while others come home to addiction and abuse. If your home life is toxic for you, I encourage you to take these tips into consideration during this holiday season.
Stop feeling obligated to visit toxic family members
Every single year you dread visiting that one family member who comments on your weight, aggressively pushes your buttons, or resurfaces a history of abuse. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard that I should visit so-and-so because they are family. I cannot disagree with that ideology more. Allowing negativity, toxicity, and abuse to fester in your life voluntarily is self-destruction regardless of an individual’s relationship to you. While all relationships are give and take, it is vital to recognize when visiting someone requires a lot of energy from you with minimal return. Normally, the “return” you gain is simply happiness or fulfillment of some sort. If you are not getting a sufficient return on your investment of time and energy, it is time to reevaluate visiting that family member.
A previous post, “Chained to a Toxic Family”, heavily digs into this idea if you would like to learn more!
Use your family’s brokenness as motivation
Being around dysfunction can be such a challenge. It takes strength and persistence to turn this negative energy around. The encouraging part about this is that you are 90% there just by recognizing the brokenness of your family. I’m a strong believer of “if you know better, you do better” so try to notice problems that you can fix or even dissect how their actions have bled over into your life. Unfortunately, growing up in a negative environment almost always impacts you later on in your life. You will find yourself treating others like your family treats you or thinking dysfunctional thoughts, similar to those of your family, even if you don’t act on them. This is your shot to break the cycle! Catch yourself slipping up and ensure that you don’t treat others the way your family treats you.
Keep it short
There is nothing wrong with visiting your aunt for an hour over the holidays if you can’t handle the idea of completely shutting her out. You don’t have to go over to open presents for hours, you don’t have to cook the entire Thanksgiving meal at her house, as a matter of fact, you don’t have to do anything. So allot an amount of time that keeps the company enjoyable. Being conscious of the amount of time you spend with toxic people can mitigate their impact on your happiness and wellbeing. For example, if you have an alcoholic side of the family, plan for a short brunch instead of a long, drawn out dinner. Some alcoholics tend to get more toxic throughout the day as they slowly get to consume more alcohol. This is a polite way to avoid the pain that alcoholism can inflict on families while still spending an appropriate amount of time with them. Life is short and time is precious so use it wisely! More time together is not always better.
Seek approval elsewhere
Do you ever find yourself yearning for the approval of your family even though you know that they are detrimental to your wellbeing? That is so common with abusive families. Despite their painful tactics, you desire their support and love. That is part of the design. Abusive people get their power by controlling the emotions of those around them. They want you to seek their approval at all times because that increases their control on your life. Once you recognize that, you can demonstrate that their approval is not necessary for you to move forward. Chances are that they will not appreciate that because they will feel their control slipping. That is OK. Letting them squirm and protest is a part of demonstrating to them that they no longer control your life. The goal is that eventually they will stop providing negative input for the purpose of control once they recognize that it does not affect your decisions anymore. Seek approval from yourself first, then from your healthy relationships elsewhere, if necessary. Do not go into a situation with toxic people seeking affirmation. That sets you up for heartbreak and disappointment.
You can survive this holiday season. Heck, you can even thrive during this holiday season.
XOXO,
Kay
